I should be happy about this. Instead, I just feel sick. One more semester that I do not have a 4.0
One more semester bringing me down.
One more semester where I should have done better.
I think I might get some disability services for the anxiety thing. Maybe they’ll let me take my puppy to tests someday! But anxiety, tests, pneumonia, the emotional distractions of David again… these are all just excuses. The fact of the matter is I just did not do enough, I did not try hard enough, and I was the one who brought my grades down again. I want so badly to be perfect and I always come up short. I am always second place.
Easier To Fall Asleep
| Him: | "What makes my bed any different?" |
| Me: | "It's not your bed." |
| Him: | "It's not my bed?" |
| Me: | "No, it's not. It's that you're in it. It's the beat of your heart that accents my breathing, and the way your fingertips gently slide over my arm.. It's you, not the bed." |
It is strange, going from wanting someone for the rest of your life to realizing you’re letting them go. I’ve gone back and forth so many times, it seems. I wanted him but I was with another. Then we no longer wanted each other after I ended the relationship I was in. I went back to wanting him, he didn’t want me. And then he did and we were so happy. And then he ended it. We went back and forth on seeing each other. When I needed him, he disappeared. Now he’s back and I want him so badly…
But, sitting on his bed and studying biology, I looked at him and I saw someone different. Not the perfect, wonderful, happy DD of the summer. Not the object of my desire from last year. Not the man who hurt me and who must be hated to protect myself.
He was all of these, and none of these. For a few moments, he was just a man and I just a woman. I did not care of our fate, for what happens will happen. I did not need him, I’m not even sure I wanted him. I saw all of him, and I’m trying to figure out if I liked what I saw. This man loves me, but he has the capacity to hurt me in so many ways. Do I really want that? Do I want to be in a love that will only end up hurting us both?
This must just be left over anxiety from this morning. Migraines, tests, stress, and too many sleepless nights.
Of course I love him.
a haiku about periods
haagen dazs ice cream
that stain is not coming out
i am so horny
Can I stop pretending that you leaving for France isn’t killing me? That I haven’t been crying all night long because you finally got accepted into your program and I won’t see you for a year? Is now the time to admit that I love you and I still need you? That I don’t know how I am going to survive without you again?
i feel like salem the cat is tumblr’s spirit animal
do you guys see what i’m getting at
(via themadness-vase)
You’re all about to learn much more about me than you’d really like to.
I hate prescription medications. I hate that the US healthcare system prefers to focus on treatment of problems rather than preventative medicine. I hate how much it costs to see the doctor and how I have to put it off until I am really, really sick otherwise I just won’t have enough money to go.
When I do go, I tend to get a bazillion prescriptions. It doesn’t matter that I hate them, I need them. I cannot get rid of these infections by myself; I can barely breathe for myself. I get tested and berated and it does not matter that I try to take care of myself; doctors do not understand why I just don’t get better. Well, the doctors at school don’t. And I’d prefer not to tell them all of my medical history because then they just want to run more tests and look at me with sympathy and I already know what is going on. I just need that prescription to get myself better.
But the drug interactions! Oh my god. This cannot be taken with that and this will make that ineffective and be sure to wait for at least 6 hours, let this pass from your system, then take this because you still need that and… it’s more than anyone wants to take care of! The azithromycin has made the ortho tri cyclen ineffective, but I must still take it. This hormone being ineffective means I will be on my period the entire time I am receiving antibiotics. The omeprazole, which I have to take because the acid in my stomach does relate to respiratory problems which is what the antibiotics are for anyway, cannot be taken with azithromycin. So I have to take the zpack right before bed, with the omeprazole as soon as I wake up, and just deal with the side effects (which include dizziness and blacking out). The medications almost all cause me to be nauseous and I have to fight to keep any food that I take down. So there is a pill for that as well. Which makes it almost impossible to stay awake during the day. Then there are the steroids, which I need in order to get my O2 levels to anything resembling normal. They make me just want to cry, all of the fucking time! Combine that with the PMS and strange hormone levels from the interaction of birth control with antibiotics… and we have a terribly emotional Amber. Emotional Amber is prone to panicky feelings and negative thoughts, so I was prescribed more benzos. Yay. Probably a good thing, since the last time I tried to use my inhaler the loss of breath combined with the shaky, dizziness associated with the inhaler led me to having a panic attack. Asthma attacks are scary enough before the intense amounts of pain, people. And then for the next day or two you are constantly on edge and scared and… life has been difficult. And when complaining to a pharmacist about this, the response I get is that I will feel better eventually. Until my next course of medications. Because there is always another course of medications. Always.
